Fugue

The door to our two-bedroom apartment was open when I got home that day. When the turn of the key wasn’t met with the resistance of the deadbolt, I was surprised at you — you had just yelled at me the night before about keeping the door locked whether we were home or not. You were afraid, you said, of someone coming in and taking what wasn’t theirs. I brushed you off, knowing that we lived in a safe neighborhood in a locked apartment building. The only people who could come in without our permission were our neighbors; both of whom you know could never have done anything like that. Jared, the single guy in 303, was too busy, too tired, and too sad. The kids in 301 were always stoned or asleep. But you told me to get up and turn the deadbolt back anyway, and I did.

I was getting ready to call you out on it — to laugh at you, to kiss and tease you, when I heard you. From behind the cracked bedroom door, you were making the same noises you did for me. You were crying out, gasping, sighing, breathing heavily.

Do you remember your first time? The way you held me? The fogging of glass? We were on that hill, just south of Union, next to the road that led up to the old water tower. We had just gone up there to see the stars; it was a clear and cold night. Every few rungs I climbed, I looked back at you to make sure you were still there. You were. You were always there when I looked for you. You laughed at the holes in my jeans; from below you could see my underwear. I pretended to be mad, but I wasn’t really. You knew that, though.

We watched the highschoolers play football for some time, sitting quiet. Only once the floodlights went dark did we lay back and look upwards; the darkness of the sky was complete, save for the speckling of stars. I found Orion, you found Ursa Major. It was too cold to lay on the metal of the tower, though, so we made the trek back down and enjoyed the heat of the car and of each other.

Isn’t that when you said you fell for me? It’s certainly when I fell for you.

To think that I would later crack open a door to see your legs around a near stranger… would I have done anything differently? I’m not sure I would have been able to; I do love you.

The door creaked open, and you fell quiet. You were there, as I knew you only the night before, but with a different body held close. A more beautiful body than my own — a woman I knew only in passing. Shandra? Cheryl? Her curves, concave rather than convex, stood in sharp contrast to my own round form. I can’t blame you for choosing as you did; she’s a looker. I’m only sorry that I lived with a liar for as long as I did, and that you had to subject yourself to a person you had no eye for.

I was confused, then. Furious, crushed, lost. A fugue state met its beginning, for both of us, and our relationship met its end. You pushed Cheryl/Shandra/whoever off of you, and chased my then-turned back. You tripped on the thrown comforter, slamming into me. I stumbled, breaking your mother’s vase, cutting my hand in the process. Sticky, ferrous blood dripped from my fingers as I got back up and continued to the door. I walked past the couch we bought together and between the canvases we painted. Blood and tears mixed on the carpet we had taken turns vacuuming. You threw yourself around my shoulders, but I shrugged you off. You thudded to the ground. You were gasping then, too. Was it out of pleasure? Relief? Grief? You looked beautiful, I’m sure. As much as I hated seeing you that way, you were always a pretty crier.

I’m sure the strawberry blonde stranger came to your side, and I’m sure you were glad to have the company.

The door closed behind me, and I turned the key in the lock. I felt the deadbolt slide into place, then. Can’t be too careful: Someone might come and take what’s yours.

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